i regret to inform you
that you were born in 1973
and therefore you are not a 60’s child
this means you cannot lay claim to revolution
ABBA, on the other hand, is indisputably all yours
yuk yuk yuk
(some form of laughter, albeit weirdly perverted)
i salute you
from one soldier to another
(i.e. soldiering on in this crazy mixed up somehow nonsensical but funny anyway life)
thank you for your time and attention
respectfully
your ol' pal
n.o.r.a. (never ordinarily revealing alibi)
well
baby doll
little chiquita banana
my sweetest dole pineapple
i gotta go
write me sometime
auf wiedersehen
now
i would like to close this email
with something deeply profound or reassuring or at least charming
but the only thing i can think of is the following poem
which i read on a concrete block
in downtown montreal
when i was sixteen years old
and which for some reason has stuck in my head like a prayer
why buy the ticket?
why too cold?
i want to get off here
come
let me tell you about my "small large, medium large, large large and extra-large large" idea
(or did i tell you about it already)?
the idea is to start a really fantastically disgusting fast food chain
to rival mcdonald's, burger king, taco bell et al.
i mean, ALL OF THEM PUT TOGETHER
here is the key concept
everything on my menu will be ENORMOUS
one serving will be enough for five plates or six
the food will be extremely hot
and really, factually, dangerous to eat
owing to the size and the heat and the fat content
and even just the sheer weight of the plate
(the WEIGHT of one adult serving
will be enough to kill a small child
if it fell off the counter)
speaking of counters
the decor of the resto will have a garish
outlandish, half-sickening appeal
the kind of color combinations to make your stomach churn
and patterns that fatigue the eyes
and make the head spin
but the really best part of it will be the PROCESS of ORDERING
and i still haven't figured that out yet
not quite
not perfectly
but some of the conversations will go like this:
server
HELLO! WELCOME TO [name of resto here]! HOW CAN I POSSIBLY, POSSIBLY HELP YOU!
customer
i will have a large sandwich and a large drink.
server
WOULD YOU LIKE A SMALL LARGE, MEDIUM LARGE, LARGE LARGE OR EXTRA-LARGE LARGE DRINK AND SANDWICH?
customer
well… don't you offer a medium medium drink?
server
YES, I CAN DO THAT FOR YOU, BUT I HAVE TO PUT IT IN A MEDIUM LARGE CUP WITH A SMALL LARGE LID. AND WHAT SIZE SANDWICH WOULD YOU LIKE? THEY COME IN SMALL SMALL, MEDIUM SMALL, LARGE SMALL and EXTRA-LARGE SMALL.
customer
i don't know. what about that drink? why couldn't you use a medium large cup and the normal medium large lid?
server [begins to whisper very incoherently, nothing can be heard]
customer
um, sorry, i can't hear you.
server [again, whispering incoherently]
customer [yelling]
I CAN'T HEAR YOU! WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
and then of course
from that point
the roles reverse
oops
i had a blowup at my director
oops
i resigned
oops
now i have no income and no job
i stop looking for work altogether
too time consuming
for nothing
why don't we run away to north korea
and throw ourselves into some seriously crazy death-wish type business we know nothing about?
(why not?
can you think of why not?
really?)
i don't drink coffee anymore
i don't drink tea
i don't smoke
(no cigarettes, no nothing)
i don't drink...
is that normal?
it can’t be
the problem with non smoking is energy
too much energy
too much energy
too much energy
too much energy
too much energy
too much energy
too much energy
too much energy
etc.
i did one hour bike
and i am probably going to do some gym now
(now is midnight)
i could make love
but J. is away
and masturbating is boring
and then i can't make love all day anyway
too much energy
too much energy
too much energy
too much energy
too much energy
too much energy
too much energy
too much energy,
etc.
got to run fast
(where to?)
how come i make ugly pictures these days?
they are boring
(not even ugly, just boring
which is much much worse and painful)
by the way
we wrote one hundred-and-one emails last year
(slightly more than the year before)
oh, i hear a vacuum
this is the first time i hear my neighbors
and instead of hearing rap music
(to make me nod my head up and down)
or a bed squeaking
(to inspire me to go jump M.)
i hear the mean sucking drone of a vacuum
so banal i could cry
it is 7:30 and i have absolutely nothing to wear
yesterday
i took my coat off at work
and my skirt was wound around my waist somehow
help
i drank too much coffee
and i feel very crazy
do you know edward tufte?
i love him!
i love him!
he is an information designer
i love him!
i don't love him
i am only caffeinated
but i love him!
i started work yesterday
and it is already ridiculous
of course
i have this office
it is kind of ugly
i can't hang anything overtly anti-establishmentarian
(the other new people have decided on reprints of van gogh and monet
to give you an idea of the geriatric feel of the place)
i asked if i could unscrew all the light-bulbs in my office
because there is a big window
and what is wrong with natural light, really
(try to understand
i have just come from B.C.
– at least i am not running around in sandals)
but they were kind of mad about that light-bulb idea
and in retrospect i can see what they mean
me perched on my desk in my skirt and big shoes
trying to get the ceiling panels down
i am going to die like an old shmucky shmuck
i didn't sleep at all this weekend
because we went to two parties
i am half-dead now
– my fault
life is too short
and i am making it shorter that way for sure
farewell dearest
it was so nice talking to you one last time
waiting to hear what is going on in your neck of the woods
waiting to hear from you
i think it must be kind of the same
– we were cut from the same cookie cutter
maybe i don't want to say that
really
in case you are trying to differentiate yourself
but don't forget we are seventy percent genetically the same as the common earth worm
so you can't really get too far
yesterday
we went to a big anti-security law protest
and partied in the streets until 9
then went home with some friends
until our neighborly neighbor called the police
who paid us a visit
about midnight
some people are mystery
– though i try very seriously to understand them
don't you feel like laughing your head off AND crying sincerely at the same time?
sometimes
the hairdresser convinced me to get my hair colored
which never works because my hair is blue-black
and resistant to the white beauty myth
now it is cut
and looks exactly like a dirty mop
so i came home crying about being a brown person
and therefore permanently ugly in this white man's world
i was looking for a job
there i was for months and months searching
first leisurely and confidently
then desperately, crazily, hysterically
as it turned out no one wanted me
i went to interviews and would have sold my soul just to work for a day
i flattered, i grovelled, i lied
but nothing worked
so, eventually, i got fed up
i was mad
i felt hate
there was a strong iron vengefulness
inside there
in my dry dark scary unmanageable inside
and i found that i liked it
all of a sudden the job offers started coming in
all in the same week
practically on the same day
but this was like a devil coming from some past life to collect on dues i no longer owe
so i told them to go fuck themselves
every last horrible two-horned devil
so now what?
it is all good
i will manage, i will rob
i will grab, pillage, rape and steal
– no, that is me joking
it is important to keep jokes to one side, seriousness to the other
ok, this is me serious again
oops
getting strange
ignore strangeness
stick to narrative
Hi, Angelfire (2001-2002)
Poemails by Nora Bone and Aude Osman